1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of
oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a
scented tree; write check for $50.
2) Go by Qwik-Stop and buy a case of beer; write a check for
$20.00, drive home.
3) Drink a beer to "get started."
4) Jack car up. Spend 30-minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, have another beer.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16" box-end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent-wrench instead.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Accidentally drop drain plug into pan of hot oil, splashing hot
oil on you in process.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw kitty litter on oil drops.
13) Another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30-minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and
twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing hot
oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil
filter among debris in trash can to avoid environmental fee. Beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish
oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage
door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because, "I gotta finish t he oil change."
Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole
in backyard instead of taking it to be recycled, and avoid environmental
fee.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all Saturday.
21) Walk to Qwik-Stop, buy more beer.
22) Install new oil filter, making sure to apply a thin coat of oil
to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Suddenly remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Recall that the used oil is buried in a hole in the backyard **
along with drain plug.
27) Beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift through oily mud for drain plug.
Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kid's sandbox to cleverly
conceal oily patch of ground and avoid environmental fee. Wash drain plug in
lawnmower gas.
29) Discover first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty
litter on oil.
30) Beer.
31) Crawl back under car, get kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes
with oily gas rag used to clean drain plug. Slip
with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug rapping knuckles on sharp
edge of frame.
32) Bang forehead on exhaust manifold in reaction to step 31.
33) Cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10-minutes.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and head, and apply bandages to stop blood flow.
38) Beer to stop pain....
39) Ditto.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil from
steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Pulled-over and arrested for DUI.
48) Car towed and impounded .
49) Call loving wife; make bail.
50) 12-hours later; bail out car.
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