I got one for ya

[TConklin821]

So a little boy asks his dad, "Dad, what's the difference between reality and potential?" The dad replies, "Well son, here, let me show you". He turns to his wife and says, "Honey, would you sleep with George Clooney for one million dollars?" "Of course!", she replied, "Why wouldn't I?" He then turns to his daughter and says, "Sweetheart, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for one million dollars?" She says, "Duh, who wouldn't?" He then turns back to his son and says, "See, we're POTENTIALLY sitting on 2 million dollars, but in REALITY we're just living with two really over priced whores"

[Seerlah]

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker.


She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy and tell him it'll be a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?"

She says, "A hundred dollars."

He says, "Shit. All I've got is thirty."

She says, "Hold on." She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?"

Harry says, "A handjob."

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob.

He says, "Okay."

She gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a HUGE PENIS.

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?"

[TConklin821]

Aha that's good.

Teacher asks a little boy in class, "If there are 5 birds on a fence and I shoot one, how many are left?" Boy says, "None, the gun shot scared them away". The teacher says, "The correct answer is 4, but I like the way you think." The boy says, "Okay, there are 3 women eating ice cream cones. One is licking the cone, the other one is biting off the top, and the 3rd is sucking on it all the way to the bottom, which one is single?" The teacher says, "The one sucking on the cone!" The boy says, "Actually it's the one not wearing a wedding ring, but I like the way you think.

[Seerlah]

lol

[Seerlah]

I always thought this one was hilarious (yes, I am copying and pasting these):

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store

[coolgraymemo]

Aha.

I should be finishing my essay.

[TConklin821]

Ahaha that last one is awesome. I hand typed mine. That's PASSION!

Memo, essays are for squares.

[Seerlah]

When Memo sais essay, all I can think about was a show by Pablo Francisco. If you never heard of him, that's a funny guy.

Spanish chick: "That's right esse, what's up esse"
Hick: "Essay? You calling me a term paper?"

[TConklin821]

I love this guy.

[coolgraymemo]

I don't feel creative.








I'm in the crowd in this one (can't see me though):

[TConklin821]

All of those...awesome.

[SS92]

I don't feel creative.
I'm in the crowd in this one (can't see me though):

you were at UC during that? Pretty cool. All the spoofs of the guy had me rolling.

http://peppersprayingcop.tumblr.com/

[coolgraymemo]

you were at UC during that? Pretty cool. All the spoofs of the guy had me rolling.

http://peppersprayingcop.tumblr.com/

Yea, I go to school there.

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[redline380]

Why can't women snow ski?
There's no snow between the kitchen and the bedroom.

[Turbo Nerd]

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

[Turbo Nerd]

There was a small boy who was put to bed by his parents. The boy had a nightmare, and got out of bed to go to his parents room.

When he got there, he saw mommy bouncing up and down on daddy. When his dad noticed him in the doorway, the kid ran away.

The mother got off and got dressed quickly, and went to the boy's room. He was in his bed, and he asked, "Mommy, what were you doing to daddy?"

The mother replied, "Well, your father has noticed his belly getting bigger, and I was just trying to flatten his tummy for him by bouncing on it."

"Oh, that's what you were doing. But you're wasting your time mommy." The boy said.

"Oh, and why is that?" The mom asked.

"Because everyday when you leave for work, the neighbor lady comes over, gets on her knees and blows it right back up again.

[Turbo Nerd]

An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup. The Doctor asks him how he is feeling.

"I've got an eighteen-year old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know of a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season.

But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezed the handle. BAM !

The beaver drops dead in front of him.

"That's impossible!", says the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."

The Doctor says, "My point exactly."

[Turbo Nerd]

Ok one more.....

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

[Seerlah]

One night a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big grin.
She says, ''Not tonight honey, I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay clean and fresh.''
The man feeling rejected rolls over and tries to go to sleep.
In a few minutes he rolls back over and asks his wife, ''Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?''

[Turbo Nerd]

lol